Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the opening ceremony of the London 2012 Olympics. We are only moments away from the official start of the games of the thirtieth Olympiad. We do of course all remember the staggering scale and awe-inspiring skill of the Beijing 2008 ceremonies: those thousands of drummers performing in absolute unison, the exquisite closing ceremony fire works, timed to coincide exactly with the shooting of dissidents. Now, a hush descends over the stadium and we are about to discover what Britain has brought to the world.
...oh look, it's the Wombles.